TUNTEA

2012-02-02T19:20:00.002+08:00

Hello! It's been 2 weeks since I last wrote it, but somehow it feels like it's been more. It's February, I cannot believe it's February! Pretty hard to believe that 31 days have passed and we are already in the 2nd month of Twentytwelve, 10 more and we're into another New Year... but let's not get too ahead of ourselves. We've got 11 months left and a lot can happen in 11 months.

Had lunch with my dad today who said "Nothing in this life is certain". I cannot agree more. If you asked me who I thought I would be or what I would be doing at 20 when I was 10, the answer would be a a whole different person from who I am today. Not like it's a bad, horrible thing to be different.

I guess what I've learnt through January was that life is a learning process and that there was no shortcuts to great things/ great people. It's every good thing and also every heartache that gets us to where we should be and moulds us into who we should be, but only when we decide that our failures will not be the end of us.

I don't like talking about what I'm going to study and where I will be by the end of this year because I am so uncertain and I'm not going to make assumptions and promises because I'm terribly afraid of disappointing myself. But I took a nap a realized that I was being stupid in taking too much on my plate (ok, it's a little more than just what to study) when I have the next 5 months to think about it.

I believe that good things come to those who wait and I've learn that we have to be careful when it comes to putting hope in something, or even to whom we put hope in. Nothing in this world can, will or is able to last forever. That is the ugly, ugly truth.

Didn't plan to end this on a sad note, so Im going to continue saying that I don't know a lot about life but I just know it's pretty darn short and it's too short to be worried all the time about everything when nothing in life is certain. I find that life is a lot easier when I'm counting my blessings instead of my problems.

❤

2012-01-24T01:51:00.000+08:00

x

In our Melaka house, writing while everyone else is fast asleep. A little jumpy and extremely cautious of my surroundings because of the many stories I used to hear about the trees , the behind house.. Ok, spooking myself out, let's move on to other news.

Got to see close to the whole family today! It's tradition for us to be at my Aunty's house on the morning of New Year's, drive down to Melaka and visit the grandaunties &uncles, be at mum's Mum's by evening time and drive further down to Merlimau to stay the night. We live in a house that's close to being in the middle of nowhere and we have a treehouse in our backyard. We've got a ciku and durian trees. chicken, duck, geese and turkey in a fenced up area behind and an aquarium in the living room, with fish that seem to never grow and are different every year.

There are coconut trees that line the road where you drive through to get to the house and they've got a new puppy my Granduncle named Ong Ong :) Cutest pup & name ever! Hahaha. This house was my great grandfather's, who passed it down to his son, who expanded it and built new rooms to accommodate the whole family, with his own two hands.

Our family's reunion dinner is tomorrow. We have barbecue every year and my grandauntie who makes nasi lemak that's as good a drug (not that I know) will be cooking pots of it, along with sambal, kangkung and her to-die-for chicken rendang. And for every year, my cousins, aunties, uncles, grandaunties, granduncles and family friends will gather to have dinner & a bawl of a time. The highlights of these nights are usually the weird things adults say when they've had a little more than too much to drink :p They get us laughing for hours!

I love my family and would never trade them for anything, even if it was for all the gold in the world. But would give up a lot to have my late grandma here with us. I miss her terribly. She's an amazing woman, who gave more to others than took for herself. And today, looking back at old old pictures, we realized that I've got most of her features. That means a lot to carry a little bit of her with me wherever I go, and that she will always never be forgotten :')

/ / Happy New Year, Loveleys!
Be blessed x

—if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

2012-01-22T03:24:00.003+08:00

I've always heard about God's amazing love and I've always known, but I never really understood, what it meant to be loved beyond measure. At times I've tried to imagine how great this love was, and sometimes I doubt if it was enough for the whole world and enough for me; to cover all that I am -my mistakes, regrets, disappointments, fears, failures, discouragements, hopelessness, scars & wounds. I've tried to reason and come up with ideas of how big, how wide and how far would the love of God go for me, and for so many times, because of my own reasoning, I've walked away thinking that this love wasn't enough for me.

Then today I realized just a little bit more of what it meant to be loved by God. /I realized that God had loved me not for anything that I had done and not for any rule or law of religion that I had strived so hard to follow. I am loved because of Who God is and who I am to God, and not because of who I am, what I can do and all that I can achieve. This love was just, for, me.
I've always thought that God's love was never merely enough because I had to share it with the rest of the world and my portion wasn't enough to even soak my toes in. /But the truth is, if you or I were to go back 2000 years and the whole world had suddenly disappeared and it was just you, God would still send His son to die for just you and your sins.

There is nothing that is able to separate us from the love of God, and there is nothing that we can do or not do that is able to cause God to love us any more or any less.
And because I know that I am most undeserving, that is why God's love is amazing.

I wonder how much love would it take to cause someone to count and know the number of hairs we have on our heads?

/ / you are loved beyond measure ♡

2012-01-17T01:05:00.001+08:00

"And they say She's in the Class A Team Stuck in her daydream Been this way since 18 But lately her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting Crumbling like pastries And they scream The worst things in life come free to us Cos we're just under the Upperhand And go mad for a couple of grams And she don't want to go outside tonight And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland Or sells love to another man It's too cold outside For angels to fly Angels to fly"

I've been listening to this song by Ed Sheeran for the millionth time. Cannot help to think he was singing to me because I can relate to almost every line of this song.

Come clean /

I had just got myself out of an abusive 4 year relationship. This isn't something that was between a boy and a girl, who met and fell in love, but a relationship with someone I knew and who had such an influence on me for a long time. It wasn't physical abuse, but rather emotional mental and had later an effect on the spiritual side of life.

I spent 4 years believing in what I taught was the truth about myself. And after awhile, all that I had to deal with became something I used to deal with other people. But what was even more terrible were the things I myself let it. If I had to point a finger about who's fault it was, I have to say it was mostly mine. To summaries, it was many years of being dead and non-human because I was striving to be perfect and always felt the need to save that squeaky clean image I had saved for myself.

I don't know why I didn't get out sooner.

And now that I have, I see that the damage had been done. I lost so much more than I knew/ thought I did.

Lately, I've been left picking up the pieces and what really feels like I've been picking myself off the floor. It's easier to live with hidden issues and things that are not revolved within yourself. It's easier to try to forget and tell yourself you've forgiven. But how long/ how far can you go with all that baggage?

I decided to turn to the one person who could save me and who doesn't need any explanations that were too difficult for me to give, but accepts all that I am without question. He's God, ofcourse. /So I asked Him to change my life and lately He's been doing so ♥

Now let's move on to brighter days!☺☺☺☺☺

2012-01-07T04:01:00.002+08:00

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

2012-01-06T22:52:00.001+08:00

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. -Rabindranath Tagore

x
I've never watched a black and white movie, and lately, I've come to realize that barely anything in life is in black and white. I've also come to know that God is beyond black and white. I've always thought that God as a Man who gave Yes/No answers and Who works in straight forward and simple ways. Maybe He is/does all of that, but I realized that thinking about God in a black and white view makes me put Him inside a box. Truth is, there is so much about God that I'm yet to find out.
At Camp we were told to list down our priorities and as a graduate from Sunday School I placed God as No.#1 ☺☺. I knew that this was God telling me to take Him out of the tiny box I made Him (and that's how much room I gave Him to work) when I was told there is no such thing as a list of priorities when it comes to God. It doesn't work, the whole "God and everything". If we do that, we tend to swing between God and everything. We can say that we are in God but we can never be too sure if our hearts are where we've placed everything else. It is supposed to be "God in everything" and "God is everything".

For as long as I could remember, I always looked for answers that were either a Yes/No. But I think this is going to be a year that is out from all the comfortable answers because I've decided to let my heart believe that God is much bigger, stronger and mightier and His level of greatness is something I cannot begin to fathom or understand. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways

I am 6 days behind of time! But, have a beautiful, colourful and fulfilling
2012

2012-01-05T23:49:00.002+08:00

Vincent &May ♡ We were doing funny faces and my eyes were told to cross. Hm

Good sunny days

At Lala Chong's

x

I was full fast and entertained myself by looking up at the sky while they ate. I love the sky and almost everything about it! I love that at most times it's a pretty shade of blue and sometimes (if you're lucky) it's also purple, pink, orange and yellow. And even when it's painted totally different the next minute, it is never less than beautiful
I've been learning how to speak Cloud and today I saw a fish with fin and all, and the letter 'N'. /Sometimes I wonder if what we see is a hint of what we ought to know or if it's a reminder for something we have already forgotten.

I love spotting planes that fly by and the wishful thoughts that accompany you while you explore -the many what ifs and the many if only (..I could fly)
I love when the sun sets and night comes. I love the moon and how on different months you get a different shape. I love letting my mind wonder that when I look at the moon, I wonder who may be looking back at me. I love stars, even if it's just one that I can look at with my naked eyes.

I'm growing up and things are changing at every heartbeat. But somethings should stay they same. /I want to always know what I have and to always appreciate what is given to me. I want to remember to count my blessings instead of remembering to count only my problems. I love to be rich, not because I've got a thick wallet but rich by knowing that I've been blessed beyond reason and that I live in complete contentment. I want never to be too busy and miss out what's really important and to always find time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life that can never be bought with money. I want to cherish/treasure all that I have and all who I have with me.

Looking up at the same sky wherever you are and wherever you go, and may it always lead you home.

2012-01-04T17:49:00.001+08:00

Verb

Tun-tee-ah

(transitive) to feel, sense, (to be aware of)
(transitive) to know (meaning deeper and more personal knowledge on something, see usage notes)

Hello, loveleys! I wrote in my last post that I've been feeling so stuck, so lost and so fragile lately. Now that I'm twenty, I felt like I should carry a bigger burdens and maybe even bit off more that I could chew. I've been hating on days and I'm been stuck in a gloom where I feel nothing amounts to anything, and I'd rather be in bed than do anything else.

But today I realized that growing up and taking that first step into adulthood is not just about taking on a bigger load, it's also about learning to make the best out of every season and situation that comes your way.

There's a quote that I really like which says "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it".

Love allways x

2012-01-03T17:27:00.001+08:00

Hello ♥ I'm back!
How have you been? How did December treat you? And how is January treating you? /These are December's pictures. You've probably seem them if you follow me on Twitter &I'm sorry for the lack of updates and new pictures, I'm been so busy with Christmas, being sick and whatnot, it feels like I haven't been home at all!

Catching up with Wai Yan while rolling around on my bed at Youth Camp 11

Inkkers

The girls I grew up with, and through the many things we've been through, girls I grew to love.
x

Things are changing so quick. Today, I woke up feeling a mess. It's like I'm in a complicated place that's filled of a mix of many complicated emotions. I don't know where I'm going, what I want to do next or even who I am. I'm going back and forth with my decisions and the way I feel about certain things or certain people.

Maybe this is all part of growing up. When your eyes are open to bigger, more difficult, things.

But there is Hope,

How to be brave?

2011-12-26T04:40:00.000+08:00

I had been waiting for this for a long time now. This freedom, and the right to decide for myself. December brought me more than a season and a holiday, it brought me no expectations, no keeping rules, no living up to the standards of others and no living to please the people around me. It's been 2 weeks of fresh air and pure joy.

I love how everything had changed, and even I am not the same. Ok, probably still a lot like who I was, but different in a way. I feel different, and looking at December's days that we've had, I do things different now. The difference is that a lot of the decision that I now make are based on what I was to do with my life and where I want to go with it. I sound like a person who just got out of prison! Maybe I was the one all along, who kept myself in constant imprisonment.

(*A mosquito flew by and I took a breath in. Oh, yuck)

More than 3 relationship talks with older girls the past week, and all I could say in reply was "No, not for me". The truth is that I find Love such a scary thing. It is so scary to be vulnerable and it takes no long to built that wall, seconds for all walls to come down and what seems like forever to pick yourself up again. It so hard to explain and open yourself up to someone knowing that they wouldn't understand half the things you let yourself go through.

But I don't have to do any of that anymore, I don't have to be perfect or seem perfect and I don't have to be afraid to make mistakes. I think a good relationship is with someone who lets you make mistakes and lets you be imperfect. Because it is true that it's a person's imperfections and knick knacks that makes the person different and separates them from the rest of the world; it is what makes a person beautiful.
"It isn't hard to love your scars because it tells me that's where you've been".

Natalyn was saying how high my expectations are and how impossible they are to meet. To be honest, I don't know what my expectations are and how high they are set. But I realized that expectations are what made me go dry and they made me feel like I needed to be perfect. And even if you based it on 1Corinthians13, I don't think that having mad high expectations has anything to do with Love. It does not accept, comfort or encourage, but breaks and destroys when it becomes too much.

The best thing about Time is that at most times it teaches you what you needed to learn. And maybe time, Now, is giving me a chance to change my mind about how I see myself, the world, God, other people and this crazy little thing called Love.

/ / The plan now is to forgive the past, bring down prison walls, to see the world, feel every emotion and to stop pretending that I am not human.

♡

Genesis

2011-12-21T01:39:00.001+08:00

May all who look for hope find it and may it be found quick and near,
May all who look for a fresh start and a new beginning,
find another journey, greater than all other roads you had ever taken,
May all be drenched in love, and soaked in comfort, promise and care.

Have a blessed December!

10 good things

2011-12-09T22:55:00.001+08:00

1. Friends who stick by you through thick and thin
2. Christmas, the feeling of love and "magic"
3. A nice hot bath when it's cold outside
4. Huge cup of milo and a good book
5. Hamsters
6. Family. And when your cousin makes you laugh so much, your tummy starts to hurt
7. Snuggling in with a woolly blanket
8. A hug from someone who means a lot to you
9. Non-fat ice cream that taste just as good as real, full in fat, fattening, ice cream
10. A good night text

"Goodnight ♥"

You &Me, Lifehouse

2011-12-03T03:09:00.001+08:00

Yesterday (now 2 nights ago), someone 28 asked "What are you going to do after this?". I haven't really thought about after this. I answered "work for the money then travel all around the world" and added "boyf" with a wink at the end. (like how Wai yan says she wants to get married next year) Of course I was kidding. I don't think you can plan these things anyway. /Today I was "told" that I would have to get a date for Nostalgia.

And today I had a semi-serious talk with someone who recently had her heart broken. I admire her so much for her strength and how remarkable a person she really is. If I ever made a list of things I'd want to be when in love, a lot of what the list contains would be things that I learned from her.

I told her that I don't know if I'll ever be able to give my heart away/ have enough courage to hold a heart unless I'm really, extremely and to-the-core, sure. She said "You will never be, sure. Or at least sure enough". To love is to be vulnerable.

HOW NOW?

2011-12-02T11:19:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was World Aids Days. And I had a thought of posting something on twitter, wishing well all fighters of HIV/AIDS, and to the brave hearts that are fighting for the cause of creating greater understanding and awareness about the matter.

I was thinking thinking of what to write and had a very cliche line to end with - "Hug a positive today"

It's true that HIV is not passed on by through spitting, biting or sharing utensils; you cannot get HIV is you hug someone who's positive. This virus can be passed on through infected bodily fluids, most commonly via sex without a condom or by sharing infected needles, syringes or other injecting drug equipment.

I don't know if this will impact you as much as it did me that I don't have friends who are HIV positive, or I don't have friends who I know are positives. We live in a society that loves to play pretend. We are ignorant to the things that go on around it because it's better for us that way, it makes us more comfortable. It's a bluff that we choose to not act because the matter it is something beneath us. But maybe the truth is that we are all afraid to be apart of something that is bigger than ourselves, and that causes us to step out of the box.

Take baby steps with me, light a candle today http://www.candlelightmemorial.org/light_candle/ ♥

Here comes the sun

2011-12-01T11:18:00.001+08:00

Hi hello ♥
December has arrived and I am now two papers away from Freedom, with an intended big F . It's been a struggle through every paper, and maybe just me, but this has got to be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to go through. It been mentality, emotionally and physically draining. Hell happens when you've got page after page to memorise under intense pressure, stress and anxiety. But, Im 6 papers down and this experience has been life changing.

x
2009 was a really rocky year for me. There was so much change, both in my own life and in the lives of the people around me. All that took it's toll and made a total switch in atmosphere and I, who once lived in a very happy bubble on my own, got a taste of "the real world". I almost never talk about what goes under still water, but so much has moved forward and I'm now in better time, so it's okay to write about it now :)

Change hit me hard when structure that I had been used to for 17 years collapse and gave birth to an entirely new season of life. I don't know how to put it in nice, classy terms but at when I was seventeen, I was forced to face the fact that there we were going to be a "new" family. Maybe all single parent kids go through this at some point in their lives and maybe I'm one of the few who happened to take good things that come in a wrong wrong and negative way. To sum, it was months emotion struggle learning to take it all in.That very same year, I fell in a lot of like with one of my bestfriends; he did the same. And when that didn't end well, I felt that I lost all credibility to love, to care and to hold a heart.

The past 4 years brought more than just human life changes, it was a real test when it came to my relationship with God. It's was the easiest thing to handle when I was younger because I grew up in a Christian family that lived a couple'of steps (literally*) away from church.
But when I was always called out for things I never did and screamed at for not doing enough as a Christian and for not being a good enough Christian, made it harder and harder to believe in all that I grew up believing. I wanted to give up countless of time because the strive to be perfect and "good enough" and all that opinion that I took to heart was so damaging, religion became too much to handle and unbearable. They had made such a scar with all the heartache and critic and one blow after another took so much from me that so often I found that I had nothing left to give.And it was all these tiny bumps in the road and did-not-see-coming worldwinds that all let up to a climax, the breaking point.

Everything since then became a search. I spent an entire year finding for something that would make me whole and complete again. I went through a weird phase of changing everything about myself just to see if it would make me more happy, and I laugh about it now, but it was hard then because a lot of roads led to emptiness.

I've always known that every season of life, good & bad has it's end and I've been waiting for mine. I had become so mad impatient and tried to make my own endings, but you can't come to a full stop unless every bit of this* story is told and the season had run it's purpose.
We're in December now and I don't know if this is the full end of the season, but it certainly feels like something new is on it's way. There are no fairytale endings here. But just a lot of what I've learned through all that I've been through and a lot that I've learned about myself. The greatest thing that I'll be taking out of this is the truth which I now know-know that God is for real. And because of that I had found what it means to me whole again.

The end, is my very own turning point in life
x

WOO HOO, haha

Dearest Thailand,

2011-11-15T22:41:00.001+08:00

this pictures were found on weheartit.com, tagged "Thailand"

I hope you are safe &have enough food and a good place to stay while you wait for things to get better. My heart goes out to the families who have lost loved ones due to this time of great disaster and great distress, and I pray that the sun will come up tomorrow and there will be great blows of wind that will help lower flood waters and also that you will be kept from all kinds'of diseases and safe from all types of harm. I have high hopes that something good will come out of all that has happened.

Love,

2011-11-11T12:14:00.001+08:00

Hello (again, ♥*)

I've been sitting here, waiting for lunch, and thought hey, I could write something real quick while waiting. It's not taking a break. Because it's lunch, and we all know if you don't eat your lunch, you might shrivel up like a dried prawn and die. Let's not get into that.

I've been thinking about what to spend time on in December(till July. I've got 6months of a break!), I've been thinking a lot about how I am as a person and who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I don't know if you feel the same, but this "going out into the world" is a scary scary thing. I've been told growing up that the world is a mean &cruel place, and you've got to be strong because if you're not strong enough, the world might eat you up. /It's scary that I may live a wasted life, and on my death bed thinking that maybe I had not live. Like most people, I dream of changing the world and touching the world, being a part of something that is bigger than myself and greater than myself, and doing something that will count in this life. /But how many of us actually do all that we dream of doing?

Truth is, I don't think I am very much of a good thing. I don't think I am one of those people who other people regard as a blessing to all of mankind. And it feels astho as much as I can try to be something spectacular, it's only going to be that "trying" much. I don't know if I'll ever do great and big things with my life and impact a single person just by being me. All I know is, I probably don't love enough, definitely not patient enough, not gracious enough, not understanding enough and I probably don't care for people as much as I should be caring, or maybe as much as they deserve.

There is a very slim chance that I might be overthinking it.

*
*
On a lighter note,
It's the 11th, of the '11 month in 2011. The most special date of the year!
I don't have any wishes(that are not private and can be written for the world to see), but for me as much as for the rest of you, hopefully 2012 will be an amazing year! No short of amazing/ a miracle than what 2011 has been.

I will stop saying till the 13th, and wish you a tonne of love instead.
Love, with a very very very big teehee in between (I've got a wedding tomorrow!).

2011-11-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

Hello you ♥ ♥
We are at 15days to stpm and 36days to beautiful freedom. But hey, who's counting!I've been struggling, trying to finish the syllabus while coping with having not enough sleep and the backaches that come with that. I'm so sick of coffee already (I drink about 3cups a day, if not atleast one), and tea never works on me, so I've now turned to Red Bull in a can for energy. It's sooooo sweet, I cannot swallow tiil water is added into my cup. Yesss #likeanoldlady, but ohwell we've got'tadoo what we've got'tadoo to steer clear from diabetes! Hhaha. I've got a lot a lot a lot to finish &I'm hanging on thread-like hope that'll I'll be able to finish everything and be as close as I possible can to ready by the 21st. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me!

As painful the process, this is the last lap. So I know I've got to just suck it up, finish and finish strong!

I hope all of you are keeping well :)

..And today is Sam's birthday! Happy birthday, Sam!!
I wish I could give you a baby tiger! But here's all my love.

Till the 13th,

2011-10-25T12:47:00.003+08:00

hello,
lately, I think I know, I've had a change of heart.

It took me awhile to get here and to be honest,
I'm not quite sure if I am here, or where here is.

All I know is that here,
is definitely quite a distance from where I first started out.
Which is a good thing and that makes this change of heart
a good thing, doesn't it?

and well,
I could never be more sorry if I've disappointed you in any way,
because I'm taking too long to find myself and took too long to get here.

I don't deserve asking for a second chance,
but if it's not too late,
I promise I will make it up to you.

love,

Lovestrong

2011-10-11T13:27:00.000+08:00

Hii ♥
I came on to check email and with itchy fingers, I was led on to this. Then with an even bigger itch, I thought to write something to all who have been reading, eventho I had told myself not, to two previous posts ago. Haha anyway, hello dearests :) It's 40 short days to STPM. *nervous laughs &awful cold fingers*.
I've been wanting to write for quite awhile now about something that's been tugging on my heart's strings. Here goes/: My handphone broke and had to be sent for fixing, so now I'm stuck with the previous phone I used. It's a white Sony Ericsson W810i that I got when I was 16. "Those days", it was a really cool phone to have. I've always loved it and probably I always will. Most of that love, I think, is because of the sentimental value that it contains.
I stuck a in simcard and turned it on. I felt curiosity sweep through me and that made me want to look at what I had left inside. I went from inbox to outside, the camera videos, to the millions of pictures I had kept -It was a walk down memory lane. /If you've been following the letters I've been writing, you'd know that I did most of my growing up between age 17-19. I'm still 19, so I'm still growing up :)
The whole growing up phase is hardest when it first begins. It feels honestly, like a fish out of water. Having to cope with everything new thing, trying to understand and adjust to the things in life I had never known before, the many new responsibilities to juggle, the mountain load of peer pressure.. and blaaaaaaa(*!), haha it's just a really hard time. The pictures that I had found seemed to be like it was a different girl altogether. Not that I was two different people at the same time, but the way I looked, it was just different. Probably it was because of the way I saw myself then, and everyone else, that was changed. And I let a lot of things, most of it was emotion, affect the way I lived, the way I thought and the way I looked.

I've traveled on a really big round about. And now, only to find myself back to being me. The years that are behind me thought me so many things and gave me a little bit of wisdom.
I thought then that the most important thing was to look good and have the fancies and nicest of clothes to wear. I spent two years doing common girlie things, that is -to watch what I ate, be overly concerned with how much I weighed and be fully aware with what I put on, and then it was the shopping. It's ok to do all that, but to never let it take over you. It was painfully when your overly cautious about your body and it hurts the people around you when live astho the world should revolve around you &only you. I let narcissism and vanity consume my life, and that stole the joy I had and made me live for different, worldly, things. That costs me a lot.
I changed inside and opened the door to a lot of pride. It was what seemed to be the "glory years", but having the condition of my heart at "nothing" meant that I was living a life of "nothing". I had nothing to offer anyone and I had nothing to offer God because I was more busy dealing with myself and too busy for what concerned other people. A big tsk! /2years later, that it at now*, I realize that what was so important then doesn't have any of it's value now. The truth it that as time moves on, beauty will decay but a good heart will remain only if you keep it right. And a good heart is all that gives value to life and what we do in life. I'm not sure, but maybe life is about, amongst all the other things, how you keep the conditions of your heart and handle what effects it most, keeping your priorities so that your heart can maintain it's raw value. And learning how to deal with life and the emotions that come with it, especially if you're a girl, is probably one of the most important thing a person can learn to do.
Mmmhm.

/ / I feel like I'm back at where it all first begin, after that big journey round that round about. It feels like the beginning of new &different journey(hopefully not a another round about) that will give me different, more amazing experiences and teach me new things about life &about who I am as a person. I've lived almost all my growing up years and gone through growing pains that came with the many experiences, who once gave me egony, but now has become something I treasure for it has moulded, shaped, pruned and changed my life. Just like everyone else, it's probably these years that impacted most and form who I am, who I will eventually become. It was the making of million of mistakes and learning from each and every one which was the most important thing in this chapter. It fed it humble pie, thought me to be discerning when it came to the people I listened to and the people I let in and it thought me most importantly, to choose what I wanted to fight for and fight against.
The next time when I decide to do something, I'll be sure :)

*edit: Oh my. This is really bad english and I made a tonne of shameless grammar mistakes. Re-written!

2011-10-06T14:42:00.001+08:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Itis our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

2011-10-02T02:21:00.002+08:00

Hello loveleys ♥
I cannot blieve that we are now in October, the tenth month of the year, it's second day. This year flew pass me &I'm sure most of you would say it flew pass you. How was twenty eleven been? For each of you, I which it was nothing but unforgettable. /There's been too many weddings and not enough engagements, and as for them, for me this year has been one hell'of a ride. I've had one turning point, many u-turns and new leaps, making this year the best yet :)

Here is a list of knickknacks:

1. I blog best listening to You and Me by Lifehouse.
2. "Two same fish are called fishes, but many different fish are called many fish" bet'you didnt know ;)
3. My study-buddy's name is PohpuiDancingqueen. We haven't been dancing much; we've been sitting and reading a lot. But nevertheless a promise is a promise, wait till December for a good picture!
4. My hamsters (Milly&Moo) moved into their new banglo two nights ago. It's a double-storey, with inbuilt tunnels and a water dispenser, and it's got a really big wheel. They're so happy with it, it's okay if we don't take them out to play anymore, and makes me feel as thought I should've been born a hamster.
5. STPM IS IN 50 DAYS.
6. I've decided that I want to go middle-parting. Don't know if I should &if I can pull it off, but I definitely need to do something new. This whole long hair with side fringe thing that I'd had since many moons ago is getting a tinsy bit boring.
7. I I I I I My My My Me Me Me Me Me /I hate when there are too many I's and Me's in my sentences. I should fast from those words for a day, then a week and if possible a month. If not, I might be consumed by narcissism.
8. Tomorrow is Leader's Appreciation Day in church. I would have to give a speech about why I love Auntie Jennifer, who's a longtime family friend and someone who's been there all my life. There are just so many words to say &I've never told a person how much I really loved them before or what real feelings I had towards them. Whenever I tried, it would come out something else -like a giggle, or a really long stare OR even insult you. So tomorrow is going to be difficult. But Auntie Jennifer, I love you. I will do it :)
9. I plan to do something great someday. I just don't know what* yet. Or when, or how or if there's a why. Worries in the future were never meant to be for today.
10. Went for a hike today, 8am :) We've never been on this trail bfore, so it was 10% luck 30 % instinct and 8% skill 62% prayer. It was the darnest, toughest and steepest Bukit I have ever hiked. We started with a team of 6, 2 turned back and 4 made it to the waterfall. Up and down, took us 3 hours. But I have tofu arms and thighs, mayb for you macho guys &gals it would take you less. But note! If you're going up, bring peanuts for energy. They're light and empty peanut shells are biodegradable :)

I'm going on an Internet fast for a little while and use the extra time to focus on the subjects I really have to work on. I hope this paints you a picture of what's been going on and how I've been doing :)
Have a blessed and memorable 3months ahead! I'll be back on the 13th of December. Hopefully then I'd have greater stories to tell and a bigger heart to tell from. Please excuse all my gibberish &please take care of yourselves.

Love always.

2011-09-25T22:00:00.001+08:00

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight life
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
In this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

I love this song. I used to listen when I was a lot younger and barely understood what it meant then to feel all these things the song writes about. /It reminds me that there is no one in this world who goes through something alone. If we can all identify with what's been sung, surely there is someone out there in our shoes. And as much as we feel like the walls are coming down and the roof is caving in, there is always tomorrow. And we know that anything can happen for us then.

I've always thought that it is easier believing that this world is hopeless than it is believing that the world is an endless sea of hope. A person who believes in hope, allows himself to believe that he could possibly be heavily disappointed. It is far easier to build walls and "protect yourself" but letting nothing get to you, then to deal with rejection and further grief. /But if you leaped and the place in which you had land was where you were always meant to be, it would all be worth it.

"It ain't over until the fat lady sings!" *;)
Have a blessed week ahead!

2011-09-23T13:39:00.000+08:00

Hello you ♥ I wanted to post up two more, and in a larger form of video, but there's something wrong with blogger; it's not loading the urls I'm posting up. So we'll have to just go with one for now. /This is Olivia Noelle ft Kurt Schneider &their cover of One Republic's Good Life. I love this song and so in love with her voice! It's amazing, she's great. Take a listen ok? :)

-So I know I said something about changing this blog's name into something else, and I did. But in a couple of minutes I changed it back. Haha. I like being Heartstrings! /Until I get another itch to give name-changing another shot, this will be this*. Btw, if you're curious to what I wanted to change it to, it word was "REVERIE".
How do you like the new layout? It's pretty common, but I like how it's pretty in it's own way of being simple and clean.

Let's do a list of five things that have been going on:
1. Had lunch with Nicholas, XY and Wee Liam, good friends from way back then, on Tuesday. We ate in a restaurant nearby that brought so many memories back for us -that's why Nicholas chose the place. Nothing beats the feeling of walking down memory lane with a long time friend. /It was 2 hours of going back and forth between the past and the future, wishful thinking and making plans about all that was to be from us in the coming years. They leave for the UK tomorrow; I'm a little sad but the feeling of being excited for them overcomes that. /Have safe flights, boys! Love you both <3
2. We had a couple of friends come over for dinner the past few days. It was really good seeing everyone again on different nights, and just being in a group of people who love each other is an more than amazing feeling. /I love when people come over! I love running down the stairs to open the door for someone at my gate, having them sit down and making them a drink of their choice and then listening to the life &tales they bring with them when they come to see you. /Smiling as I write this. I feel ohsowarm and fuzzy :)
3. As big as the love for good heart-traffic, tonight is going to be a quiet one with my sister ♥ She wants to buy dinner, so I'm extra extra excited about that too. Wink!
4. I'll be driving over to a Poh Pui-Dancing-Queen's in awhile, and she'll be driving us to a study abroad university education fair. Girlie time whooooooooooh! (I'll soon tell why she's Pohpui dancing queen, and will have pictures to prove so *bigchuckle*)
5. Charles Dickens says "Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires and a touch that never hurts." /I realized that as much as I want the best education plan and an amazeballs versity life, somethings are as, if not more, important; that is to grow up enough. It's tough to always try doing things right and it takes courage to sit down and listen, but at the end of the day, I hope to be what Charles Dickens wrote.

x

2nd star to the right --

2011-09-22T02:57:00.000+08:00

x

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you." -Quest Physics, the movie Eat, Pray, Love

2011-09-19T18:40:00.000+08:00

I think that growing up is one of the hardest things I will ever have to do.

I spent the afternoon being told that I have it good and I have more than what I think I do, in tears. I cannot feel this aching restlessness of being unfinished and unsettled with a list things that I have been unhappy about, and there is just too many unspoken words that have been building up inside that I am at the brink of a breakdown but I'm too tired to do any of that.

So I found myself eating cake, sitting on the couch and thinking for many minutes about what life is actually all about.

I've been so tired of so many things, and I've been just so tired of so many people. I can remember the countless number of times I've been wanting to say something, but I'm something are just too hard to say. It's painful to have always bottled things up and having to deal with anger, frustration and disappointment. And it's more awful to keep giving second chances. /Right now, all I really want to do is be a porcupine with my spikes out; a person who will prick whoever comes close. That way no one would be close enough to hurting me.

Someone said to me today that I should try to make decisions that make me happy and not think of what other people might think or say or feel. /That I should be selfish sometimes, rather than be stepped on. --Maybe.

*
*
*
I'm not going to change the way I am just for the sake of someone else. And I do have walls because of the number of things Ive been through that has changed the way I look at the people around me. I am still going to fully trust until proven otherwise, I'm going to keep loving eventho it will hurt again and I will definitely be here, in this muck, sometime soon, I'm going to care more than I should bcause I cannot possibly give any less of what I think a person deserves, but I'm going to be more careful with the people I choose to let in. And before making any decision, I'm going to think about just these TWO things #1 -Will God be happy with this? #2 -Will I be happy with this? /Without listening to over-spiritualistic opinions and the complicated things other people believe in.

Never. Again.

Reason with no rhyme,

2011-09-05T05:39:00.000+08:00

Hello September &dearest you,
It's been really good days of the week for me. I came to realize a couple more important things about life; things that I'd take with me all throughout life. A lot of my previous posts speaks on how far I thought I had come &how much I had overcome. I was wrong. I think that in life, there is overcoming milestones and learning from previous mistakes, but that learning never stops. You think you've got it right, and then life teaches you that there is more you need to know.
I used to be afraid of making mistakes. Maybe it's because of the many years being a leader. One mistake disappointment many many people. Wrong again in forgetting that leaders are still human and everybody needs to make mistakes. Needs :) And well, I'm still a little afraid but not too much as to stop me from living.

Awhile ago, a close friend told me that I had always lived life safe &risk-free. And that I was missing out on a lot because I was so focused on pleasing everyone around me and with that, so afraid to step outside of this box I made for myself. A safe, risk-free, bubble of a box :) --That I am now too big for. And not long ago, I was reminded of the things that are truly important in life.

These two &a leap of faith, I'm planning to live life a little different from now on.

/ And, this blog is going to get a face-lift +a different name, with the same url real soon.

Till I write to you again,
Here's to teenage kicks, dreams and things that go 'pop!'.
Love you longest.

Closer to the clouds

2011-09-01T17:17:00.001+08:00

Heeelllllllooooo ♥
I had enough of studying and I've been having half a fever and really bad backaches since this morning, so I decided to take a long break bfore I resume. And thought I should just say hello! /We are officially in September, the 9th month of the year! I cannot believe it, it's been so quick.

This year has been one of my most humbling years. Ive learned more than I could ever ask for with every experience which God had handpicked and given me. /This year has thought me that I should listen instead of speak, I should love instead of judge and I should never let emotions get the better of me, which is a selfish thing to do.

HOOODY HOO HUM,
Here's to living a little and taking risks that maybe harmful or may bring great things, but I'll never know unless I try. Here's also to guarding my heart right and letting my words be few. Here's to bigger, better ears as well!

Much love,

Lose it all for you,

2011-08-30T14:27:00.002+08:00

Hey Ho! I've been away studying for my trial exams which are coming up next year. It's been crazy trying to memories 6books, 300 pages each! But with the help of good coffee, support from loved ones and knowing that the Big Guy is up there looking over me each step I take, I will get through this.
How have all of you been? Thankyou for all who have been reading and click "Older Post"* for the past two weeks. I <3 my readers and I hope all of you are keeping well. Oh! And hey it's Raya! /Selamat Hari Raya! Have the merriest one and many happy returns of the day, to all readers who are out celebrating. Be careful w/ the fireworks &where you're overseas or in our howntown, be blessed :) x

I'm currently listening to You &Me by Lifehouse and I listen to this all the time when I need to write a letter or type something difficult to express. This song somehow gives me the clarity of mind. But unfortunately I have to get back to the remaining what seems like a million pages left to read, so I'm going to try to summaries what life is like at the mo &make it as short and as sweet as possible. Heeeere goes:
Life has been anything but a bed of roses of me &to be honest, it came down quickly in the past month. Mayb it's because I've kept myself so busy throughout the year and now that all I've been distracting myself w/ is no more, I'm left to deal w/ all that I've been sweeping under the carpet. (Ps: Sorry about the short forms and lazy typing, I am a lazy-wart). And so, in the past month, I've been trying to deal w/ raw emotions that were left to rot inside.
It has nothing to do w/ love or a significant other, it was plainly and merely just about me. I'm the kind'of person that keeps everything bottled in and breaksdown when everything is just too much. For so long I'm been such a people pleaser. I'm not saying that I'm selfless, but it's just been so tiring trying to make everyone else happy and taking in all the after effect. It's been going on for just too long.
In the past month, I've been reevaluating &giving myself much needed self checks. There is so much to work on, but thankfully I'm nineteen and I've got loads of time :) About what has been said above, I was talking to Inkkers last night and she pointed out a couple of things. I trust her enough to believe her when she says all my life I've been playing it safe. The bible tells us that when someone slaps you on one side of a cheek, you give the other. But it doesn't say be a doormat. /I've got to starting stepping out of this bubble I made for myself and learning to take reality as it is, the world without a sugarcoat and facing it w/ a lionheart, being honest w/ myself at all times :)

And for what is done, it's done. There is no act, machine or drug that can be used to go back in time and change things. To be honest, I don't want to change a thing. I will keep making mistakes until I get it right and not be afraid of change, because God works in the good of those who love him. I will be more wise in who I truly care for and love all, but trust a few. And no matter what happens, I promise myself never to let anger, pride or anything that does not edify and is not pleasant get the best of me like I did before.

There is only so much you can worry about the future, but at the end of the day, the best thing you can do is to trust in God and trust that He's got an amazing plan for you life :)

Ngehhh, so much for being short &sweet huh?
Ill be away for a little bit, and be back in a couple'of months. -So may you have the brightest and greatest months you've ever lived ahead of you and I hope that 2011 will bring you abundant joy :)

Love always, always, always!

Between traffic &the ordinary sound

2011-08-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

Hello ♥! It's been awhile since I last wrote to you. And it's been nothing but hectic here trying to juggle 4subjects and keeping up with all; trying to do well in all. I'm very far away from the targets I've set for myself and that worries me, with a worry that bubbles over and sometimes overwhelms. We are now just 22days to trials.
Other than school, life has been teaching me a whole lot. I've been having surprise meet ups with different people that I've not met for sometime now. And we've* been talking about how far we came since then. I like conversations like these. It makes me think of where I came from, where I am today and it is a good reminder to have me hardwork for the future.

I've stepped down from being a CF leader for the last time &I am more than relieve :) Not bcause of anything else, but as I feel that is it by time I moved on.
7years of love, blood, sweat and tears; I've learned more in the past year than I had ever. It's been a humbling process of getting the walls of my heart stretch and learning how to deal &handle situations.
I've made more mistakes this year than my fingers can count. But I've come to realize that a mistake doesn't make up the whole person or decides on a person's future. It is apart of a person, a flaw, that some people have more of a count than others bcause of how their surroundings have shaped them.
I did some reflecting the past week and had close friends I trusted mirror my thoughts &have them speak truth into my life if what I thought about myself was right. I will tell you two things: #1. There is no point crying over spilled milk. #2. I'm working on it.

Not a very impressive and convincing answer but that's okay, I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and it's for who I want to be. At 19, going on to 20, you just have to work with who you're with and always be open to change; always open to make a change in yourself so that I'd* become a better person. Life didn't come with instructions or a manual of how to live, I just have to keep learning all the way.

That pretty much sums up this year. --It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, collecting many life lessons along the way, full of bittersweet memories and having my heart go places. I wouldn't say that I'm done learning, but I am ready for a new horizon. Only 3months left to finish off Pre-U and less than a year before I start University, wherever it may be. I'm heckkkkk excited :)
And in the days before me, in the year to come, I plan to study and give myself no boundaries, barriers or borders. I might not be as smart, but I will not keep saying that and have myself lose half the battle with it. I plan to travel and see the world as muuuch as I can &read all kinds'of books, drink all kinds'of tea and eat all kinds'of cake. I want to bake and dance with soul, and do something I've never done before. And instead of having whoever's in my future read about the millions and skyhigh criteria he's got to meet and who I expect him to be, I will list down all my flaws &tell him about them, and relationship will not be about the sparks that go pewpew or that mushy feeling that hugs you tight just before bed, but it will be about growing up &growing old together and having neekaboo*, heart-tied adventures with my best friend :)

I made up that word -neekaboo. And this is difference.

Have a lovely week ahead!

Midnight Bottle - Colbie Callait &Jason Reeves

2011-08-05T23:56:00.003+08:00

hello :) if you don't already know, i've got trials coming up in close to a month, and that is why updates have been like this (*points at the screen). i'm too lazy and i've got this constant reminder at the back of my head that i don't have time for this. but i will "make time", just for mini updates and heart rants.
mm so, well, hello <3 :) we're at the end of the week, how's it been for you? //i will be officially stepping down next week and just thinking about it makes me feel very excited. i cannot believe it's been a year! and i cannot believe that this is really THE END to a seven year love affair in being a cf leader, since the age of thirteen. it's been nothing less than an incredible and undeserving way to grow up. yes a lot of milestones, problems, and haywired emotion having to be right almost always. leading the pack and being judged based religion law, but every cloud has a silver lining; every breakdown had it's beauty :)
also ...i just killed a flying cockroach! it is now in pieces and it's juice is on the newpaper i rolled up to hit it with. huu-haa don't mess! haha, also.. also, i think i might have lost my train of thought.

will be back shortly. love x

Clover leaves

2011-08-04T01:33:00.001+08:00

a terribly grainy picture, but filled to it's brim with good tripod love.
x

helloyou :) how has your week been? mine starting feeling a little awful because of this sudden wave of negative emotions that blew right at me. but you should know that i'm feeling much better (with myself &everything else) as the days go by. it will take sometime, but i'm thankful that i am reminded of the things i havent dealt with and i am taking the time, at my own pace, to deal with whatever now.
stepping down in two weeks whoopteedo :) i've got to lay down past regrets, bitterness and embrace a new phase of change/ above all, being thankful of everything that's been given to me and everything that has made me a better person &who i am today. twenty eleven has been incredible. best year yet.

today, i made a bet with ben that is whoever doesn't finish studying these 15chaps of business by next wednesday buys the other a movie and popcorn. haha! gave us both a little more push to study and finish the syllabus. we have to anyways, time is running out. a month left to trials, and i really need this. i really, really, really need this.
and today, i met us with a whole bunch of oldfriends from cempaka, our class. it was a good night of laughs, jokes and stories, over burgers and fries.

things are looking up &hopefully they will only get better.

love ya'll :) x

4 steps to a fairytale

2011-08-01T13:19:00.005+08:00

Mindset-changing weekend. I said "Think I'm more myself now? It feels as if I made a bigbig round, and now I'm back to my 17 self" and Auntie Jennifer replied "You are definitely not your 17 self and you will never be, again. Why would you want to be? It's a good thing that you've grown up".
Let me explain: Growing up challenged everything that I was made up to be. While growing up, I grew to chase after different things &had a change on the inside in the process. Eventually, I didn't like who I had become and made a big u-turn. That's why I've been feeling more myself. The lesson is -let time mature you and take things as they come, but always be yourself even in that change :)
My sister's boyf's grandma passed away last evening. And I will be at the wake tonight. I hate funerals, at the same time I cannot help to think that it is a little bit of a good thing. It reminds me to appreciate people I love and it reminds me not to take time for granted. Things will eventually fade because all good things have to come to an end. But the end will be a good one, if you're made the most out of the time given to you.
It's a crazy world. And anything can happen. So I'll just say that I believe the only thing that is stopping you from all that you want in life and out of life, and what's been the cause of you losing your muchness, is no one and nothing but you, yourself. I read somewhere that success is 85% attitude and 15% ability. You can be where you want to be, you can go further &you, are, the, pilot, of, your, own, life. Love saying that last line! Hee
Cherish the people that make you more happy than you've ever been, treasure the people who love you when you least deserve it and give thanks for the people who have caused you such calamity, they are the ones who teach you valuable lessons &bring you somewhere in life. Don't bother with revenge, forgive always and use time to learn and make better yourself. This is the worst thing you could do to someone that's trying to put you down. Trust me.

Hello, loves! We are now in August, just a couple'of months before the year ends.I've got my fingers and toes crossed that July was just as good to you as it was to me, and that August will be a month with more good surprises and increasing joy.
*Big blow of a handful of pretty gold glitter* A little pixie dust to get you on your way!
Love :) x

Heart beat louder, heart speak louder

2011-07-31T02:41:00.005+08:00

Hey loveleys, this is not going to be something pleasant.
I'm sick to my stomach reading details, law and statistics of what's been happening in our world concerning the issue of human trafficking. It's been on my mind for awhile now, and to be honest, sometimes I forget how much grace is upon my life. I could've been a girl who was born into the work.

Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, Minister of Women, Family and Community Development, has said that the estimated total number of victims reported to be human trafficked is about 600 000 - 800 000 people a year. 50 - 80% of the total number of victims are women and children. As of March 2010, Malaysian authorities has helped saved about 400 women &44 children in total, from their fate.

It sickens me of how such a small fraction of people are saved per year, and how we take such pride in it. It is without doubt that it is not easy and takes so much just to rescue one. But 444 is not enough. What happens to the rest? Are they rescued, or just forgotten? Do we really just let go of the people who cannot help save themselves?
I hate the fact that we've got selfish in our DNA. In our lifetime, we hear things that make our hearts sink a little and break just a little bit. We go on with our days with that aching thought we keep at the back of our heads and let it affect us just for a little while, that makes us want to fight for what is right. And with that thought, we feel great about ourselves because we are concern and we care. With just thoughts and talk, it makes us feel as though we are changing the world.
Over time, it's a normal thing to go back and be busy trying to get what we've always wanted for ourselves. We are forgetful people. And that is our only excuse.

And as we forget, the people who have lived/are living in the mess we "tried" to help get rid off are forgotten. They will be merely something that was here today, and the next day gone. With nothing to remember them by, and as if they were of no value and could just be discarded just like that.

Edmund Burke one said "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Do not allow evil to triumph. Do not do sit by and do nothing."

It's always a decision whether or not to care

All in All ♥

2011-07-30T13:36:00.001+08:00

It's funny how people grow up &things change, and how they say it like it's the worst thing ever. Well, it might be for some, but not for all. Yesterday, we celebrated my bestfriend's 19th. She called me after and continued our conversation of how far we've come/how much growing up we did, individually and as friends, how close we've become. It's funny how people grow up and learn to understand things. I makes the whole dealing with change &changes worth it. #I'm am now nineteen, not seventeen, not eighteen, nineteen :)
I like love again, and I believe it in as much as I did before, again. There are so many things that can make you think otherwise about something, when something happens to you. Life's like that, people lie to you and situations you don't understand would make you believe in something that isn't there. But what's important is to know who you are and whats important to you. And to know it's a good thing to be you is something else :)
We all have days, weeks, months and bad years. We all have times when we disappoint, when we fall short and when we heart breaks. We have times when hurt the people we love most and lose ourselves at some point, for sometime. In life, some people are forever, but never take 'forever' for granted. A simple and genuine sorry that is straight from the heart would never hurt anyone :)
No lying when they say that every cloud has a silver lining. When we're in the milestone, it's okay to grumble and not understand why things are working out the way it is now. But this is not going to be for long. Slowly but surely, you will come to understand and you'll see the bigger picture. Like how I have seen mine. Take heart, tomorrow is a new day and anything can happen for you then. <3 :)
"It's important for you to know that you are loved. And that you are truly beautiful, even with the ugliest things about you, you are beautiful" :)

If grace is an ocean, we're sinking

2011-07-27T23:53:00.005+08:00

jack, jenny, jack tung &i in melaka a couple'of weeks ago
x

i've got 6minutes to write this before leisure time is up, and i have to get back to studying. /how have all of you been? i hope everyone is having the a blessed week, with feeling most loved and extra appreciated.

the reason why i'm writing to you today is bcause i heard news tonight that made me a little disoriented. it was news about death &loss, two things no one deserves to go through. i just wondered what it's like to go leave earth and if i would ever be ready for that. and i wonder how strong the human heart really is when it comes to being separated from a love one, or choosing be to separated with someone you formally loved. is there really such a thing as "loved"?

i will properly laugh at what i'm about to write in the future, but here's what my nineteen self thinks: death is something that is unavoidable. no one lives forever and as much as we say we'll be forever young, that doesn't stop death from coming to you if it wants to. (mhm, pretty morbid topic tonight). i guess the only assurance that we have for ourselves is that as lonely as death may seem to be, we will never die alone. and for the people who we hold dearest to our hearts, it is only time that will be the distance between us. we will be together again soon enough. this is the promise of God that I believe in :)
as for loss &separation. i think that God has a plan for everyone, no matter how low you feel about yourself. and i think that separation and loss is just God's way of telling you how He really loves you even if you don't feel so. the only reason why God says no is never to bring you to ruin, because He promises you all good things, but it is to bring you somewhere is life. somewhere good, somewhere you will never be able to bring yourself to. sometimes getting what you want will only have you shortchanging yourself.
and about "loved". i don't believe that there is such a thing as loved, if love really did exist between two people.

the only reason why I brought God into this? is because He is the only One who really understands what is means to love, and have lost, to have been separated and Who what death really is about. and more than understand, He knows why, how and when, the right time is for right things to happen for you &i, especially when it comes to love.

goodnight :) :) :) x

The Bucket List

2011-07-25T14:00:00.001+08:00

A list of things I'd want to do before I leave earth,

The man in the mirror
If you have no idea who the man in the mirror is, Youtube Micheal Jackson and search for Man In The Mirror. It's been a good reminder song every time I hear it, that I could be a better person. And not so much for just myself, bfore I die, I want to have touched at least one life. The kind'of touch that would bring change and the kind'of change that would late a lifetime.
The muffin man
I want to grow up to bake really good cupcakes &make really good scones, and English tea and open my own bakery/cafe one day! All with my own money.
The world is full of flowers!
In movies, you sometimes see princesses running through a field filled with tiny flowers. I've always been a tad jealous, bcause I've always secretly wanted to do that. So whether or not running into Prince Charming's arms or on my own, I want to pick a flower from the ground, put it in my hair and run, till I'm all dizzy and satisfied. Then I'll fall to the ground, into a bed of pretty flowers.
//Where I'd take my last breath, and slip away into eternity. Haha, just kidding! No one will be able to find me and hunger wood creatures will devour my arms and legs :(
The treasure box of secrets
I had a long talk with JonRoberts the other day, and he was telling me how he'll be the kind who will tell his girlfriend/wife (hopefully they'll be the same person) everything! and keep no secrets from her.
I don't know if I could be as honest as he will be. But I would like to leave knowing that I've given everything I am and everything I have to the people I love most. That would probably be a person who I had spent all days in life with. I want to be brave enough to tell him &closest friends all that has been in secret. Throwing all pokerfaces and pride into the dirt, I'd gather all guts to actually, actually, actually love them, &whoever I call husband :)
The 50th birthday!
I don't know if I'll be up for it THEN. But, I have already decided on the theme for my 50th birthday! Talk about plan ahead huh? /I want to have a Peterpan themed party. Where the men would dress up as the Lost Boys, the girls could all be Tinkerbell or Jane's mother, or their crazy aunt, and I would come as Jane ofcourse :) We would spend the night talking about the good old times and how we are forever young. I would save loads of money of imaginary food &drinks too!
The world
To travel and see all the countries the world contains, and all the adventures the different countries have to offer, would be a good thing.

6 for now! I've got plenty more, will write to you as we go along.
And maybe I should do a list for Twenty Eleven as well! We will see.

Have a blessed week. Love &all the good stuff. xx

Stop, look &listen

2011-07-24T19:20:00.001+08:00

three things that I realized this weekend:

i've always have this thing* where i had to be right all the time. ok maybe no had to, but i certainly wanted to be. i would plan days, weeks, months and upcoming years in my head and when they don't go as planned, i would get really frustrated. and being the youngest in the family, my sister would tell you that i've always wanted thing my way. "my way of the highway" :p
bt this year it taught me that it's wrong to want things your way all the time. bcause of late, God's been throwing pleasant and delightful surprises at me; things that I could never have made happen. and i've also learn to never over expect but to be someone who does what is not expected of me instead. and, I learned that it's okay to be wrong sometimes.
when something horrible happens to you, you have two choices: one is to become better and another is to turn bitter. I highly recommend that you take the former and throw the latter choice out the window. life is not all about keeping count and blacklisting whoever has hurt you. if you continue to do that, things will never change, never work and will never happen for you! you will eventually die, and realize you never really lived. that my dear, is a sad sad thing.
you've got to set your priorities straight, and then grow up. you will definitely go through all kinds'of mess and calamity, know/find out all kinds'of yuckyuck and be tempted to be someone who you are not, someone else that fits into society, someone maybe you swore you never wanted to be. anything can happen to, and for you! so, set your standards and set which is most important. growing up will tugged &tempt you to relent, if you do and don't stick to what you really want for yourself, you might grow old full of regret. i love you too much to see you do that!

have the most amazing week.
with much love x

Beauty in the breakdown,

2011-07-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

Hello *takes a double deep breath in*, I really need to say what I want to say, so bare with me for the things that Im about to say, for what seems like the hopefully last time saying anything about it. Yes :). And we have lift off --
I never had the courage to come to terms with all that had come my way, and all that came with it. The past 3years have been the hardest yet. It was of nights with controllable tears, going down on knees, a broken heart, a broken person, doubt, disappointment and confusion, and ultimately it was losing who I was inside.

//Today I had a date with an old friend who was someone I chose to confide in, and in me, her for a year, 2010. It's been a year since we last spoke and so today she decide to look for me, literally.
The afternoon was a tearjerker. The kind'of crying you do when things go your way -in movies when theyre a happy ending, when you got the grades you wanted and when you finally got something you've been wanting for a long time now.
We spoke about how far we've come, laughed about the silly things that once seemed important thoughts &actions, and it was unspoken truth that we were now twice as strong as before.
We had a little bit of a hearttoheart before she left and She said for all the time we spent and from the first time she had met me, she thought I was "way up there" with all that I said and did. I was someone who seemed unreachable, and who only pretended to be happy when on the inside, things were cracking and who, if you came close enough, you'd see that bit by bit, I was breaking apart.
But now, and how it's been a year, she sees I've got a whole new perspective on life. It is no more a show and a pretend, but there is a love in living &in life and that happiness caught on to me. And instead of being unapproachable, unreachable and cold, I became real.

Never thought of being 'real'. Never thought of being where I am today. Never thought I would be this happy.
I take no pride and I find big doubt in thinking I got myself here. I owe it to the unfailing love of family, best friends and God, who has been holding on to me and who has held me together. Thank you for waiting, while I wondered for a little while.

"Not all who wonder are loss" ♥

Wonderwall

2011-07-19T21:08:00.005+08:00

Hello, loves!
This is a list of a couple'of things you may or may not have known about me, written with spoonfuls of honesty and a wink at the end of some sentences.

1. I was a tubby kid. 50kgs when I was 12, 73kgs on my 16th birthday. No regrets on all that sugar, junk and the amount of rice I ate growing up. And no regrets on how much I couldn't eat just to shed that weight off. I didn't do it for any boy, or for any other reasons other than I wanted to fit into good looking clothes. Kidd you not! I was mad jealous at girls who could buy stuff off the rack with a no trying policy. I wanted to do that too! So badly! So one day I woke up and I told myself that I would get the weight off, and here I am now. But I will always have mad love for big girls. There is nothing wrong with being who you are, inside out :) You are who you decide yourself to be, and what you answer to.

2. Like a mood ring, the colour and expression on my face changes to whatever changes around me and whatever changes inside me, in terms of emotion. I am terribly too extrovert for my own good. And I would have never known if not for closest friends who warned me about myself. Heh! *A big wink here*

3. I will finally admit, that I have extremely high standards. I've been a leader almost all my life and I've always had to live up to expectations. This is why I cannot help but to expect and expect not to be disappointed./I will be stepping down as president soon (in 3weeks!), and I cannot help but to be excited about it. It will be opening a door to change, new horizons and experiences, and getting to know freedom just a little bit more. But is it without doubt that I owe this passed year for teaching me to hope for all things in God, and instead of man. Ps/: Thankyou for whoever who has been more than patient with me.

4. Eyeliner, a bikini, a wild night out with booze, breaking lose on the dance floor, kissing boys, and que thunder! I haven't done any of those and I am total fail at liquid eyeliner. It's pretty embarrassing being nineteen and a virgin at so many things. The reason why is not because I can't. It is because I realized that there greater things in life and these greater things would need a little more sacrifice.
I've never told anyone this(or at least I think I haven't!*), but I've never kissed a boy because I want whoever it is that is my first and hopefully my last to know that I've been waiting and keeping myself just for him. For him to know exactly how special he really is, even if he doesn't think that about himself, would be the greatest gift :) About wild nights and dirty dancing, hahahahahaa I don't know, maybe one day I'll be up for it. And about being make up stupid, I figured that I would/should rather work on being beautiful on the inside, even if it means not being as pretty as the other girls and even though that sometimes plays with self esteem, it is far more valuable.

Four for now because I cannot seen to think of a fifth! But when I do, I'll write to you.
Have the merriest week and if you're going through tough times, here's a hug.

Peepandlove: Uno

2011-07-13T17:18:00.000+08:00

hello loveleys!
I don't think it's any secret that I've got a mad love for clothes and I've got a huge stash of editorial pictures to prove it. With this and with love, I'll be posting up hearted pictures, and with no monthly income to buy me all the pretty things in the world, I'll be posting up pictures of what I've diy-ed so far. It's going to be exciting, fo'suuure! Fingercrossed* May this be a start to something huge. To follow my fash updates, you can click on the label 'peepandlove'. This is the first. Stayyytuneeddd! <3

1. white sling bag, fringe wrapped with tight studded ankle heels, both modeled bracelets
2. metallic biker chick jacket (--that I would pair up with acid washed skinnies and long white tank that you see in picture 5.)
3. everything!
4. top, too pretty to walk pass and too cute not to have. it would take a couple'of years of it sitting in the cupboard and plenty of attempts to wear it out, before I actually do!
5. denim jacket with gold studs. oh-so very pretty!

Source: Vogue China
Website: http://lefashionimage.blogspot.com

The moon would like a whisper,

2011-07-13T00:41:00.003+08:00

heyloveleys, my thoughts have gotten the better of me tnight. i've been listening to the same sara bareilles song, hold my heart, since two hours ago haha. too busy w my mind to realize, too nice a song to think with :) i'm going to type with no caps because it's quicker that way; i've got my books waiting for me at the side :x soyes i've been thinking about a couple'of things, and the one thought that envelopes them all is the thought: "i wonder what it's like to grow up".

this november, i'll be doing my finals on the 21st and i'm already working towards it. time is definitely going to fly pass my 9months of a holiday because i start my degree in hopefully july. then it's 4years of being away from home and coming out to work aft. i plan to kickstart my career, be a temporary workaholic, make "some" money, get married with someone i'm head over heels for and madly inlove with, work towards a marriage that is build to last and have a family i can call my own.

all ideals.
it would be easier if it did, but the world doesn't work that way.
which can be a good thing!

the thing about thinking about the future is that it kind'of leads to nowhere. all because you will never know what is in store for you. all you really know is that you've got a long way to go, there will be a load of milestones and a couple'of heartbreaks left, picked out for you, there will be both failures and accomplishments, there will be bills after bills that you have to pay, decisions that you have to make and difficult people you have to deal with (-talk abt stressful), there will be more blessings than problems and then there is you and being on your own.
it's scary to know that the future is yours. who you will be and who you are, it's more your decision than it is anything else. it scares the glitter out of me (cause yehh, i'm made of that stuff! wink*) thinking that i can grow up to be who i was made to me and i can grow up to me who i swore i would never become.

choice.
it is a scaaaaaary and daaaangerious thing.
yet, it is the most beautiful, fulfilling and it is something that is a desire for many.

the real question is who do i want to grow up to be?
...*crickets*...
if only these things were so easy to say/ to tell!
only time and being refined with fire will spill all beans on you.
x

if this got you* thinking about the future, these are the couple of things to remember:
1. you are always beautiful. unless you decide that your heart is made of plastic
2. every day is a new and every morning is a start :)
3. don't worry too much. it's not only bad for health, it gets you wrinkles!

4. you can do whatever you put your mind to. foo'shizzle maa'nizzle haha
5. good things come to those who wait. real good things come to those who trust in God.
6. stop comparing yourself to other people! you. will. never. be. them. stop trying!
7. count your blessing! keep the people close to your heart, close.
8. some people will hate you no matter how good you are. biar kan lah, tak berbaloi.
9. every problem has it's solution. if you have a will, there is a way!
10. give away second chances like it doesn't cost you anything.
11. let someone love you.
12. never reply a text when you're sad.
13. never make a promise when you're happy.
14. don't pick up a call when you're too angry.
15. it's okay to laugh at your own jokes and at yourself sometimes :)
16. "sometimes plan, but sometimes wing it"
17. throw your ideals out the window. this world has no clouds made of cotton candy ):
18. a "HEEHEE" will sometimes get you through the hardest of days. try it!
19. keep your dreams; keep your standards; keep your stands.
20. pray &never doubt if God listens, never doubt how much He cares ♥
21. it's okay to make mistakes :) :')
22. everybody is struggling. you're not alone in anything you do.
23. there is hope for all things. there is hope, for you
24. your heart is a fragile &precious thing. don't give it away too quick.
25. you are a gem. never misplace your value :)

goodnight! x

Where rainbows end!

2011-07-12T22:53:00.003+08:00

"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found." — Cecelia Ahern (Thanks for the Memories)

Blessed Tuesday! Love! x

Sunshine, freedom &a flower

2011-07-11T15:11:00.000+08:00

Hey love,
This is a list of the loveliest things that could happen throughout the day:
1. Waking up being well rested with no hiccups throughout the night
2. Sun rays that peep through the gaps in your window curtains
3. A big breakfast with extra bacon and fresh bread, mmmmmyum.
4. It's not too hot outside :)
5. Set meals for whatever you've been craving for. You save a load of money on lunch!
6.You complete and get done everything that you set out to do by midday.
7. Having a lovely tea &catchup with someone you love.
8. It's a comfortable walk back to your car
9. On the way home and it's drizzling a little. But surprise, surprise, no traffic jam!
10. Pass the house door and you smell dinner :)
11. A good family meal.
12. You get to tell someone about your day.
13. A nice cold shower.
14. A book in bed, under the covers.
15. You fall asleep knowing someone loves you.

I've been reading Cecelia Ahern and I'm just about to have the busiest week.

You have a safe, good, eventful but stable, easy-going, lighthearted and fruitful one! x

Winter Song -Sara Bareilles &Ingrid Michealson

2011-07-11T06:44:00.003+08:00

Hello, you. How have you been keeping? ♥

I just got back from a 3day trip. It's been a bittersweet weekend, with smiles of the day while tearing up on the inside because of what's been going on in Malaysia. And those tears, were not so much the ones you shed because you feel a prick or pain, but it was pure joy reading tweets on how we've accomplished so many things in just one weekend. We have stood up for what is right, we found hope in our nation again and we were, for the first time in a long time, one heart &one voice. We were and are Malaysia :)

Walking on sunshine.

2011-07-08T02:34:00.010+08:00

Hello Loveleys!

A couple'of people came over and stayed till midnight. In the morning was school and waiting for the rain to stop after school. It didn't! So Jong Kit gave me his umbrella and he walked under the rain! Mad love <333 I made my own lunch and took the longest afternoon nap.
8pm and got up to a shocker, totally forgot about Twenties! I'm in a new ministry group now. Being away from church that's renovating, I needed extra help with sticking close to God. The first step to solving a problem is to first admit that you have one. Remember that :)
I'll be away for two days starting tomorrow. My dad, his girlfriend, friends, Jenny &Jack from the UK &I, will be hitting the road at 9.30am for two days of food, fun under the sun and good quality time. This is the break I've been wanting for a long long time. I am extremely excited! Going to get a sun hat and buy bigggasss shades :)

A couple of things:
1. I will be stepping down in four Fridays, and haven't been this excited for something since I was five. It is hello to a lot of freedom, but let the personal stands and standards remain, and goodbye to a load of burden. But first let me clear something up, something that I realized tonight. The year of service has been one of the hardest I have ever had to go through. But more than all the things it costs me, it's been a year of sacrifice, surrender and obedience. Learning to give and take, learning to love again, learning to forgive. Things I would never have had to learn elsewhere. And above all else, it's been a year that was just about God. How many could say that they had such a year? I take pride is all my battle scars. I take pride that I went it broke and in complete brokenness, found healing and redemption. I take pride that I have sown in tears and I will reap in joy. God is truly amazing :) :)

2. I think I know what I want to do with my life, for now :) I'm am so excited for the coming years. I plan to do a degree in Business and Corporate Law because I believe that more than about the money, this is how much I am going to give back. There are so many people with needs and so many girls who feel unimportant and not loved; there is just so much in the world to do. I won't explain it all, but I really need to start working my butt off to get to where I want to go in life and where I want to be in the coming 10years. Keep your fingers crossed &me in prayer, that I will be all that I was set out to be. I don't want to cutcorners and miss the boat, I want to be on it. -To live without regrets, to love without complicating the matter of love, and to give without expecting anything in return. I am planning to live in accordance to Colossians 3: 12 and onwards!

3. This has been removed. Now now, let's move on from this and from here :)

Goodnights :) x

*edit: I took the caps off the words for a more subtle feel. Probably ate one too many sugary items that night. Hehh

Turning Tables

2011-07-06T11:07:00.001+08:00

I think that the worst people you could ever meet is the ones that are bitter with life. So messed up and haywired on the inside, and so much guilt, shame, condemnation, jealousy, envy, pride that they feel for themselves and so much fear to deal with their own issues, they channel whatever they feel on the inside, out. Attacking, breaking, ruining and bringing down everything in their way; anyone in their way.
I met someone like that an awful load of years ago. And let her speak into my life. I let her tell me what to do and what not to do. And for so long I've been nothing but a victim to her unkind words that bring me down and trip me to a fall. Her unspoken rules upon my life were my standards of life. I let her dictate what was good for me and what wasn't. And I let her tell me what kind'of christian I should be. All according to her own bible.
And for so long I've been wanting nothing but to please her. Maybe it was the fear of being judged, the fear of that condemnation that Christians never want to feel and that fear of feeling like I'm not good enough. I wanted to be the best, for her. For four years, I let her talk to me the way no one should be talked at. She took all my rights are a normal teenager to live a normal life. I always had to be more than myself. And I've been battling a whirlwind of emotions for 4years now trying to suppress whatever I've been feeling inside &whatever I've been taking from her; never fighting back.

This year has been nothing but life changing. It's been a year that took me places, a year of being with God and Him fixing whatever that was broken in me. It's been a year of transformation and just by saying that, I feel nothing but pure joy at how far I've come. It's been a year of truth, of knowing God, of going back to the basics, of dealing with issues and everything I've been suppressing for a long time now. Like stagnant water and still water that runs deep, I had a lot going on that needed an intervention. And with God being so evident in my life and the people who truly love me, I got what I wanted.

Looking back, it is without a doubt that she's sown into my life in a good way and she has been a blessing in one way or another. I don't doubt for one second just how much she's given up and how she should reap with joy all that she has sown in tears, but I've had enough.
I am not going to bring you through life. For the past four years you have made me rethink who I was, you've made me go beyond everything that I am and that affected my health and other relationships around me, you've made me doubt God countless of times, made me doubt if I was ever called for this and you've made me want to choose not to love God anymore because it was just to hard. You taught me to judge the people around me instead of accepting who they were and loving them unfailingly and you took my joy away.
The things that you've done and said has been nothing but damaging.

This end here.
I hold nothing back from you and I pray that you will, in time, realize all that you have done. I will still pray that you will reap all that you have sown and that you will be blessed abundantly. And I pray that one day you will know just how much I've forgiven you. Over time, it will come to a completion.
That is all.

Goodmornings &Midknight

2011-07-03T03:43:00.008+08:00

Hello loveleys! -So I haven't been here for awhile &a lot has happened. Here's a brief summary before I point out a couple'of things: In the past week I celebrated someone's 26th birthday, found out that a friend now has a kid and another is preggers, I ran a mini-marathon and didn't win! Haah, I sat to watch someone cry and hugged someone who was tearing up, I feel in a whole load of likes in many things like Milly&Moo, I got frustrated and I was overwhelmed with joy. There was a day when I smile so much cheeks started to hurt &there was a time I wanted to give up on everything.

We're going to go according to picture; heyho, here we go!
1. Sunnies &sunshine.
I've got time for neither! Trials are in just 10 weeks and looking at the calendar for the month of September and already I'm starting to panic. A tiny bit of me whispers "I can do this", and big part of self screams "I don't think I can". Tough tough, tougher than uncooked beef. But I will pull through. I promise you. And myself ;)

2. "Baby don't cry"
The title doesn't exactly suit the picture, but yeah anyhoo I will be going for a casting on Monday. In full support of Irinalove. She's doing a project with the song Valentine by David Choi as a base. I will be casting as someone's girlfriend. Someone I don't quite know yet, someone I'm going to meet on Monday, someone who I'll probably have to hold hands with and, (abrupt ending! I'll let your curiosity and imagination type out the rest of this paragraph). //Picked out what to wear already! Skinnies, batwing top with feather motives and Cotton On slippers, with accessories.

3. You pretty little thing,
Three things I really want in twentyeleven:-
i. Good grades ii. To celebrate the 11th of November iii. And to be someone's sunshine.

4. De-de-de-deadly!
Three things I don't want to happen in twentyeleven:-
i. I don't want to step down(which I will be doing in 4fridays from now!) and become such a badass. Pretty funny but yes, it is quite a worry. When you're a leader, you know you've got limits and you're got unspoken rules over your life. You've got the push that you need to be a good christian. And now that the stepdown process has begun, I feel a tinsy been lost with freedom I've been wanting for a long while. Pretty hard to explain. But the plain truth is that I just never want to lose God.
ii. I don't really want things to change. I'm in a comfortable place with friends that are.. I will never know how to explain and truly tell you how blessed I am to have. I love being this happy, eventho there are bums and heartpokes in between. I like change. I like how things, times and I feel asthough I've done some -changing. But somethings just shouldn't change youknow?
iii. I don't want to fall in love. Non laughing matter. And actually if you were to ever talk about it on a serious note with me, you'd know how I'm actually pretty upset about it. Upset because I don't know/don't think I will ever be able to love someone, so much, even a million fights, a mountain and journey of personal issues and distance wouldn't be able to break what we have; unbreakable love &friendship. I don't trust myself with a heart and what more to take care of it, I don't trust myself to break apart sometimes but still be intact, I don't trust the million of flaws that I have and how I've got to work them around loving you*. I wouldn't want to be in risk of losing a friend. Haha mhm, that is all. :)

5. `Ploop!*
There another side to life that is unbelievably beautiful. It's days of great joy all year round, that is a little bit of growing up pain, but you'll fall asleep smiling about what happened, setting it free and letting it go. It's a world of endless possibilities and everything is a reminder of both hope and love. It's when people never say the wrong thing to you and you've got enough support to chase after your biggest of dreams.
This is a world that is your mind. Your life is what your thoughts are and that is the truth. And in your mind, if you know just how beautiful you are, that erases all pressure to be perfect. It is the way you see the world and yourself in it that effects your entire being. When you look with eyes of faith, to look for hope and love, you will find it.

Love! x

Those switching lights.

2011-06-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

A couple of things:-
1. I got myself two hamsters -Milly &Moo.
2. Just 10weeks left to trials!
3. Transformers premier tickets on the 19th.
4. Yee's 26th birthday :)
5. I've got 2chapters of Economics to down tonight.
6. And for the holiday that I've been wanting, it's happening on the 8th.
7. The seventh month is on it's way!
8. Pricked.
9. I need to have a tear or two.
10. But I'll be okay.
11. And tomorrow is a new day.

Love! x

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,

2011-06-25T11:23:00.002+08:00

Mm how life surprises you silly -I like the bibbity bobbity boos, the knickknacks and the little sparks that you memories of. I like that somethings you just can't plan and I like that good things come to those who wait. I like that there is a good time for everything and then there is perfect timing. I like that love outweighs the need to be perfect and the fact that you will be liked, you and all your flaws.

Undone

2011-06-24T23:57:00.003+08:00

Self sabotage

When you give yourself a reason for further heartbreak. You remind yourself of past failures, revealed flaws and previous disappointments, and you fill your head once again with thoughts you promised yourself you'd keep out. You start to blame yourself for the unfair things that have happened to you and you tell yourself that you're not worth your own fight. It is a way to cope with whatever that has been bottled up inside and handle raw emotion. And the first step to freedom is acknowledgment.

We are all guilty of putting ourselves down. We are the worst of critics and we are in a habit of giving the people around us an ample amounts of second chances, but it's never a second chance when it comes to ourselves. We give ourselves reasons to give up, to feel unappreciated and to feel as though we've been tossed under a bus. We cope with the flaws we remind ourselves of and work around all that negativity we feel towards ourselves, both inwardly and outwardly.

But the truth is that a self sabotage is far from the truth.
And the truth is that we are more than who we think we are.

Today, someone reminded me that our lives are made up of our thoughts. And the way we see ourselves and the world is exactly how we are going to live in it. I think that is truth. One of the greatest things Ive learned thus far, is that what makes you who you are is not your circumstances, but it is your aftermath decisions. It is what you think about yourself &your situation and what you decide to do next; that is what makes you who you are today. We so often remind ourselves that everybody makes mistakes and that everybody deserves a second chance or two. But we forget that it's okay for us to make mistakes and to be in need of a second chance.

If you're ever in a self sabotage, tell yourself to stop.
And then start believing in yourself again.
x

2011-06-23T19:16:00.001+08:00

Will be back at midnight! x

Temporary Home

2011-06-20T00:51:00.001+08:00

Hello loveleys. This is not going to be lighthearted &will most likely make you feel an inch of sadness, but just bare with me for a little bit because I feel very close to horrible.

We talked about human trafficking and how the refugees are treated in this country over supper tonight. It's heartbreaking to think that there are girls just like me who are being sold and used like toys. Waiyan was telling us that the difference between being a drug pusher and someone who owns these girls, is that when drugs you use, it runs out, finishes and goes away. For a girl, you could use her over and over again for money; all the way until she reaching her breaking point and kills herself.

To think about that very breaking point would be to think about how she must have looked at herself as something with no value. Worthless to the point that if she was here one minute and the next minute gone, the world would never have noticed.
That breaking point that told her there was nothing in this life to look forward to. It probably made her believe that there was no hope &love great enough for her in this world and that this was all that she was made to do.

I wonder how many girls have taken their own lives because of this very breaking point and how many have died never knowing what it feels like to be loved.
But the most heartbreaking thing to wonder is how many girls will have to die just so that one selfless man would stand up and fight for them.

Collide

2011-06-18T11:15:00.000+08:00

Helloyou♥ I've been sitting here for a good half hour thinking of what to write to you. I guess it's only fair to tell you that I'm all dried up on Blogging-Mojo juice. And the only thing to do now is to take a break. But will be back as soon as when I'm all filled up with things to do and people to say! It's not going to take long before I explode once again on this white canvas of a new post with vibrant colours of knickknacks and whatnots, an aftermath of tugged heartstrings :)

(19th b'day ♥ Thankyou for them, Inks)

But a little update on what's been going on: We've only go 12 days of June left! This has been an incredible month. More than it the month I was born it, it's been a month of change and a month of getting ready for change. Nineteen and a week, and already I feel a little more grown up :')

Whenever someone talks about change, things always seem grey. It's true that change is, at most times, difficult. But without it, we won't be going anywhere. Without change, we'd be people who will eventually die and never really lived.

Change is what will make us who we are tomorrow and who we've always wanted to be. But at the same time, change can also make us who we swore never to become. Change is what tests us, as well as it tests all the different relationships that we have. It refines us and causes us to make decisions. Decisions that could be life changing. But above all, I think what really defines us is not change, but it is what we decide to do next.

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it" -Confucius.

I've always believed that how life is for you is how you see your life.

I've got all my fingers and toes crossed that June will bring you a tonne of good things. Whether it is a new start that you've always needed or a need that is met, I hope that you will someday find eyes that will look at your everyday as a day which brings beautiful change and meaning &with that, you will never forget to look at yourself as beautiful as well.

We've got half a year to make something out of Twenty Eleven.

I'm going to start working on making a year that'll last a lifetime.

Five impossible things before breakfast

2011-06-15T13:18:00.006+08:00

Hello love. We are here in the middle'of the week, almost through. How was your Monday &your Tuesday I've been a lot of things this past week. Good things and not so good things. Will write to you about almost everything in bullets!

I started the 2weeks off school with a plan to bake, bake, bake! From cookies to cakes, from chocolate cakes to the pretty rainbow ones you see on Tumblr. My two weeks are up and I haven't even touch the oven. I miss the smell of dough and running frantically from my upstairs room when comes the thought "is it just me, or does it smell like something's burning!?"
Inkkie dropped by to surprise me for my birthday. And I spent the last minutes of being eighteen out in the park, sitting on a stone bench and talking over love letter biscuits, with Natalyn Tiang
♥With some people who already have a place in your heart, it doesn't matter how much distances is in between the both of you or how long it has been. And meeting up is not all about catching up, but it is a reminder of why you've decided to love them all those years ago and a realization that
you still do.
It was lame jokes in the toilet and tummy hurt laughing, one line eyes, the pillow and trying to reply midnight texts, falling asleep despite the fact that it was freezing cold, breakfast in the morning, lunch in the afternoon, and dinner at night with sweethearts. Also! It was warm hugs, moist cakes, pictures and silly faces, drinks and my very smiley face. #Turning19.
A tiny complain: I feel a little under the weather. My throats not doing too good. I smell like a foot because of what I'm using to soothe my back pains. It is really bad bad timing to be sick sick. I've got so much to do &it's 10weeks to STPM Trials. Hmmp! Shoo flu, shoo!
Another first for TwentyEleven! -I was asked to design the class page for our school's magazine. It was my first try at Photoscape - Page - Page Editing. And to God be the glory, I completed it! *bigpatonthehead*. This is the second page, take a peek.

This is all! It's mid-week; if you've been having it rough, hang in there! The weekend is almost here. And here is a hug :) Thankyou for reading! Love in it's biggest cyber form! x

Little wonders

2011-06-13T03:13:00.003+08:00

Hello loveleys!
I turned NINETEEN a couple of hours ago. The big bold letters describes how excited I am about it. Heehee. And in return to growing up, I had the most blessed day. It was a day of pure joy and good thoughts, simplicity and sincerity, and it was about loving and being loved in return.
Most of you have seen the above pictures. But I wanted to post them up, because like today, it was about celebrating every experience and every moment, and of course to count true blessings that are people that are closest to heart. It was also about new beginnings and getting myself ready for what is ahead.

I've got loads of new coming my way. I feel it in my bones! In about 2months, I'll be stepping down, in 6months out of school and just of today, I feel like a big girl already. And we all know that with growing up comes greater experiences, bigger ambitions and larger surprises in life.
I don't know if I'm quite ready. I have a theory that you will never be ready for the things that you go through in life, but I am definitely bubbling with excitement.
I am ready to try new things, make new mistakes and with learning from past experiences, gain bigger experiences in life. And I have a very strong feeling that I am about to eat my own words. Haha!

I thank God for every single experience that has brought me to where I am today, I thank God for who I am, with flaws and all, I thank God for the people that He has put into my life who have thought me what it is like to be loved and to love in return, and I thank God for the plans that He has in my life.
Some of you might be thinking why I talk about God so much and if He really does exist. I cannot help but to talk about God. He makes up the nineteen years of my life. And those nineteen years prove that He is more than just real. It proves that He was in my every step that brought me to where I am today. And the only reason why I can look at tomorrow and the days to come with overwhelming joy and abundant peace, is because I know that I've got a future that is secured in the hands of Almighty God.

If I could ever wish for something, knowing that it will come true, I'd wish that you would be drenched in love everyday. The kind'of love than God gives and the kind'of love that holds you together and gives you the strength to overcome your days and defeat your dragons. Unfailing, relentless and steadfast. A love that is never less and never lessens. Because I believe that you deserve all the love that we have in this world. And what stronger love than God's.

Have a good week ahead!

MidKnight

2011-06-06T14:42:00.001+08:00

Helloyou♥ This is The Only Exception that's a cover by Glee. And the reason why I chose this among all the other covers was because of all the emotions that were running through this song; how it resembled mine.

Let's backtrack.

I had a night out with Waiyan and we had 3hours to kill before the movie. We spent most of it eating and a lot of time than that talking about how we were and what's been happening. It was mad comfortability, that meant not being afraid to ask tough questions and saying whatever it was that ran through our minds. A whole months of catching up in one night. :)

She asked me this question that got me all nervous and a question till now I don't know the answer to. It's the kind'of nervousness that gets you a little worked up and more giggly than usual, if you know what I mean.

I've been asked over #192times what my ideals are and what is the criteria in finding the perfect man. I reply that I've lost all hope of finding the perfect man and after all that I've been through(which now sounds like a lot, but in actually fact it's peanuts), I threw having ideals out the window because basically no one is perfect. All this insane expectations and comparing only leads to disappointment, then to frustration and then heartache.
I'll just marry someone who with all his flaws, I will still want to decide to love everyday and for all of life.

Yesterday she asked with a difference. She asked what kind of boy am I looking for. That kind of question takes ideals and the expectation to marry prince charming. That's asking who am I looking for. - Who am I looking for?!. The only thing I could say in reply was "He must be a Christian and umm he must be taller than I am". Hahahaa that's a lot of boys!

To be completely honest, I'm absolutely a chicken and a load of dreadful when it comes to love and being in love. I'll listen for hours to the outpouring of all the matters of someone else's heart and be brave enough to tell them what they need to hear and not want to hear, but when it comes to me, I have walls built up. Like a castle with tall brick walls and guards and their spears, arches on rooftops and chariots of horses that carry soldiers who are really for battle. Haha yeap, chicken like that.

And the one thing that I'm most afraid of is breaking someone's heart.
I grew up being told what I should and shouldn't do. And I grew up watching relationships being made and watching them fall apart. I would be in denial if I said that all that I have seen didn't have an impact in my life in one way or another.
Just two weeks ago, I found out a lot of things about myself. Reasons why I was a certain way to certain people and took steps to overcome those things I needed reasons for. One thing that I learned from all of that was that I cannot expect out of people and I cannot expect them to be who I want to be, that is unfair. Love was/is never a black and white affair. It goes beyond what all that you could ever learn and loving someone is a process and a journey that teaches you new things along the way.

So back to where I was, I don't know what I'm looking for. Many girls have their lists of what and who is perfect for them and many have ideals, plans and expectations. I threw all of that away and now I'm at ground zero. Which I believe is a good thing :)

I have no idea how to end this..
Here's to the future with whatever and whoever that is in it!
Haha. Thankyou for reading. All my love,

You had me at Hello

2011-06-05T11:38:00.001+08:00

The ten things!
1. This above picture shows you how to tie a bow tie.
2. It's for all the men who read :)
3. I fell asleep reading The Gift by author Cecelia Ahern
4. And had a dream about it!
5. I've got about two hours to go before church.
6. 3pm - Combined church service - Grace PJ
7. Combined because it brings all Homes together.
8. My toenails have gone from brown to chilly red. Happy girl!
9. Have the loveliest Sunday! And please smile more.
10. Thankyou for reading!

Love love!

All you know

2011-06-04T12:40:00.003+08:00

Hello lovelies! *Yes the picture is different. Haha. Did a switcharoo to a picture Jasmine sent me the other day. I like this one better than the one I took myself :) /Taken in Rasta, that's a bowl of noodles, it was about 9pm and I met Jasmine's boyf for the first time!
x

I had the best sleep after 2 hours of tv, 1 hour of drinks and 2 hours of shopping. It's been so long since it was just us three. Because we're all grown up now and ministry is priority. With different ministries come different priority and people who are placed priority and with ministry also comes distance.

But have you ever met someone where you just know that even if it comes up to miles in distance and years in time, it will always be like how you left it, as though you never left at all? It's the kind'of closeness that no one can buy. But it's built based on everything that you ever had to go through together and how your heart decides for you to love that person unfailingly. And when it meet someone like that, you know it's not any other force in this universe that brought you two together, but God.

God probably made you for me. Just saying :)

The sun shines on everything,

2011-06-03T17:09:00.004+08:00

Love on a Friday afternoon!

The five best things:

1. She's your partner in crime and her cheeky-insides are your adventure.

2. She is your confidant and sometimes your much-needed wallpaper. Never a bad thing, but in everything she's the one that will support you emotionally and mentally, and would fight off a million villains so that no one would ever hurt you.

3. She's the one that brings you out for cake and tells you her secrets and stories.

4. She's kindness in it's prettiest form and a power house that should never been taken for granted; she's got beauty that flowers would envy and she has a sting more dreadful than bees.

5. She's perfect for you in all her flaws.

The five best things about my sister and to the girls in my life who God made us to be best friends because He knew our parents could never have handled us as sisters.

Also! We are going shopping tonight (:

hellomello-yellowmarshmellow,

2011-06-02T14:00:00.009+08:00

Hello :) So much has been happening, where do I even start? For one, it's the 2nd day to the 2nd half of the year. It hit me yesterday that time flew by and it was as though the past six months were a couple'of days in time.

Apart from all the catchup and patchups that I've been having over the past few days, I'm excited to be moving into a new phase in life. I will be stepping very soon -2months to the official stepdown meeting, but the process of passing over the baton has already begun. It's not really much of a big deal, but it's just that it's been 7years of fighting and persevering for the same thing, it became so much apart of me. It's one thing I know and the one thing that kept me for so long.
All that is changing. It is definitely by-time I step out of this box of comfortability and discover the world for myself, but to be honest, as much fun as it sounds, I am pretty gripped by anxiety and fear. Haha. I'm not quite sure who I will be without my castle walls and without something to fight for. But you can't stay within your castle walls forever and I am excited for change nonetheless. Because about being afraid, I doubt that God will ever let me go, so I know that I'll be just fine.

The thing about being where I am now and where I was, is that everything different. There is a different challenge, a different outlook on life, with different goals and dreams, different desires, and a different heart. After the many months of going through the pains of growing up and being refined by fire, it was a lot of going back to the basics and starting with God again. He made me take baby steps, but first He told me that is was okay not to be perfect and it is okay to make mistakes. It was learning to love God and learning that God's love goes above all else. I used to be a really happy kid. Who lived in a bubble of her own perfect world world built based on her own ideals. I lost all of it when it came crashing down one day, and would have done anything to go back. But now, it's about learning to live with joy that only comes from God. And to be honest, I've never been any happier.

I'm still the same girl, with many of the same dreams, knickknacks, flaws and good things. I turn nineteen in a week and that doesn't really mean anything. But it will be a good reminder of the things that I'm been blessed with and how far I've come since the passed year. I really couldn't have asked for anything more. I like that I know more than I used to about who I really am and now have an idea of who I want to be and where I want to go in the future. Not all things are figured out just yet, but I am leaving things that way. I think there is beauty in having life surprise you and you just can't force the important stuff, they will come when the time is right. To sum it all up, life has been a testimony about how God makes everything beautiful in His own time. He is never too early or never too late, He is always on time.

Why delete everything? Because it's now a good time to start over.
TEEHEE.

Haha, have the loveliest Thursday and the merriest of Junes! xx